1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

16. A calendar’s days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Page topic: Funny puns, jokes and work humor: My top 20 jobs. A punny story

The best puns of all time are:

1. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

2. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

3. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

4. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

5. She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

7. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

10. Did you hear about the guy who emailed ten puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh? Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Page Topic: Top 10 Puns of All Time

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

Did you hear about the guy who sent ten puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.

If you give some managers an inch they think they’re a ruler.

She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Gravity is studied a lot because it’s a very attractive field.

Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.

Prison walls are never built to scale.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

There was a guy who was fired from the orange juice factory for
lack of concentration.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The poet had written better poems, but he’d also written verse.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

You didn’t hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

It was raining cats and dogs. There were poodles all over the road.

When chemists die, we barium.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Page Topic: Funny Puns