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Top 50 Woody Allen Quotes and One Liners

Woody Allen has over 40 years of great quotes, jokes and one liners, so there can be no definitive list of the top 50 Woody Allen quotes. But this is a pretty good attempt at rounding up 50 of the best and funniest Woody Allen quotes, jokes and lines from his movies and books. 

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- Woody Allen

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen

 On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen

 Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
- Woody Allen

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
- Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held.
- Woody Allen

94.5% of all statistics are made up.
- Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen

 I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.
- Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
- Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
- Woody Allen

 It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him “be fruitful and multiply”. But not in those words.
- Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen

 If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.
- Woody Allen

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
- Woody Allen

 Why ruin a good story with the truth?
- Woody Allen

 I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.
- Woody Allen

 I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
- Woody Allen

 I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

 I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
- Woody Allen

 My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty..
- Woody Allen

 For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
- Woody Allen

 My brain? It’s my second favorite organ.
- Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
- Woody Allen

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
- Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Woody Allen

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
- Woody Allen

 The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen

 I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen

 I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen

I was depressed…I was suicidal; as a matter of fact, I would have killed myself but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
- Woody Allen

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen

 I’m not the heroic type. I was beaten up by quakers.
- Woody Allen

 In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
- Woody Allen

 In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

 Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
- Woody Allen

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- Woody Allen

 I’m not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen

 Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing. Between 5, it’s fantastic.
- Woody Allen

 I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
- Woody Allen

 It’s worse than dog eats dog. It’s dog doesn’t return dog’s phone calls.
- Woody Allen

 Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Woody Allen

 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

 More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
- Woody Allen

 Oh, now there’s only one kind of love that lasts. That’s unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
- Woody Allen

 My brain? It’s my second favorite organ.
- Woody Allen

 Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
- Woody Allen

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
- Woody Allen

 Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
- Woody Allen

 On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Woody Allen

 The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you’re dead it’s hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen

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