Here are some of Jerry Seinfeld’s funny comedy stand ups:
I will never understand why they cook on TV.
I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it.
The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”
Whenever you ask for a doggie bag at a restaurant, there’s a certain sense of failure there, isn’t there? People always whisper it to the waiter, “Uh, excuse me. Can I get the doggie bag? I, uh, I-I couldn’t make it” It’s embarrassing, because the doggie bag means either you’re out on
a restaurant when you’re not hungry, or you’ve chosen the stupidest possible way there is to get dog food.
How about the doggie bag on a date? There’s a good move. Let me tell you, if you’re a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well just have them wrap up your genitals too. You’re not going to be needing them for a while, either.
The problem with the mall garage is that everything looks the same. They try to differentiate between levels. They put up different colors, different numbers, different letters. What they need to do is name the levels like, “Your mother’s a whore.” You would remember that. Your would go, “No, we’re not. We’re in ‘My father’s an abusive alcoholic’.”
On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little pooper scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
As a kid, the only thing I really cared about was candy. Candy is the only reason you want to live when you’re a kid. Ages zero through ten, candy is your life, there’s nothing else. Family, friends, school…they’re only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. Kids actually believe that they can distinguish between 21 different versions of pure sugar.
Only a seven-year-old can actually taste the difference. When I was a kid, I could taste the difference between different color M&Ms. I thought they were different. For example, I thought the red was heartier, more of a main course M&M. And the light brown was a mellower, kind of after-dinner M.
When I was a kid, my favorite ride was the bumber cars. What a wonderful fantasy of the driving experience as it could be. All confrontation, no destination. That’s what bumper cars are. Driving as an act of pure hostility. But there was always one kid on the bumper cars that couldn’t do it. As soon as the ride started, he’d be stuck in a pack of empty cars, usually ending up with the attendant hanging off that big pole, helping him steer.
I was on a plane the other day, and I was wondering, “Are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane?”
Maybe that’s what those delays on the ground are sometimes, when you’re just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, “Oh I don’t believe this…damn it…I did it again.” They tell you it’s something mechanical, because they don’t want to come on the P.A. system, “Ladies and gentleman, we’re going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh…Oh, God, this is so embarrassing…I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They’re in this big blue ashtray by the front door. I’m really sorry. I’ll run back and get them.”
You see the technicians all running around underneath the plane. You think they’re servicing it, but they’re actually looking for one of those magnet Hide-A-Keys under the wing.
You know, why we’re here? To be out, this is out…and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People…did you ever hear people talking about “We should go out”? This is what they’re talking about…this whole thing, we’re all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we’re all out! There are people trying to find us, they don’t know where we are. “Did you ring?, I can’t find him.” “Where did he go?” “He didn’t tell me where he was going”. He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation…There you’re staring around, what do you do? You go: “We gotta be getting back”. Once you’re out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it’s my feeling, you’ve gotta go.
I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don’t get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I’m not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they’re so subtle, their little.. everything they do is subtle.. men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that’s it! It’s the only thing we know for sure, it really is: we want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don’t know ’bout that, we don’t know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we’ve had so far.. The car-horn-honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. This man is out of ideas. The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don’t we. Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Where ever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, OK, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That’s why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like: “Where to meet men?”. We’re here, we are everywhere. We’re honking our horns to serve you better.
You know I think that even if you’ve had a relationship with someone or let’s say, especially if you’ve had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it’s very difficult. It’s hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It’s like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, “Look, a rabbit.” The other goes, “So? I believe this is your card.” “Look, why don’t we just saw each other in half and call it a night?, Okay?”
So I move into the center lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me.. the finger. It seems like such an.. arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. It’s a finger. What does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I’m supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it’s supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really. Couldn’t you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. ‘Cause it’s not easy to give someone the toe. You’ve gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and, uh, pretends to drive with a foot out the window, and speaks to person driving next to him: “Look at that toe, buddy.” (puts his foot down) I mean, that’s really insulting to get the toe, isn’t it?
I’ve been watching women in the department stores. They’re trying on clothes, and I’ve noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don’t try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themselves. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out ’cause they need to know, “If some day I’m one-legged, and at a forty-five degree angle, what am I gonna wear?” You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, “What do you think about this suit? I think I’ll get it. Yeah, it looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I’m walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes.”
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that, for some reason, when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he’s involved with is like an exit. But he doesn’t want to get out, he wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, “Look, gas, food, lodging, that’s our exit, that’s everything we need to be happy, get out, here, now!” But the man is focusing on the sign underneath. It says, “Next exit, twenty-seven miles.” And he thinks, “I can make it!”
What’s with the age gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? Did you ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen…and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you the ticket, she’s ten. Then there’s the guy who rips the ticket, he’s a hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You couldn’t find anybody? It’s like they want to show you how life comes full circle. You’re fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then you leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren, eighty years later, you’re back in the same theater three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move three feet.
I always get confused in the movie theater by the, by the plot. It’s embarrassing. It’s an embarrassment to have to admit, but I’m the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie talking with his friends, going: “Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the beginning…Ohhhhhhhhhh…” Nobody will explain it to you. When you’re in the theater, you can’t find out. “Why did they kill that guy?… Why did they kill him?… Who was that guy? What was the…I thought he was with them? Wasn’t he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn’t really with them….I thought he was with them. It’s a good thing they killed him.”
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it’s somebody’s birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over…All you did was not die for twelve months. That’s all you’ve done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday as you? It’s always an odd group of people too, isn’t it? It’s like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.
I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because that is a stereotype. They normally don’t think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. Although I’m sure there are, I don’t want to perpetuate the stereotype. I’m sure they are the minority though within the gay community. They’re probably discriminated against because of that, people say to them “You know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but I think it’s about time, you know, that you got in shape, tucked the shirt in and lost the wife”. But if people are even going to assume that people that are neat are gay, maybe instead of doing this: “You know I think Joe might be a little…(waves hand back and forth)”, they should vacuum: “You know I think Joe might be vvvvvvvmmm. Yeah, I got a feeling he’s a little vvvvvvvmmmm.
You can’t just have an adultery– you commit adultery. And you can’t even commit adultery unless you already have a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There’s no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But you know some people actually cheat on the people that they’re cheating with. Which is like, you know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and going “Alright, gimme everything you have, too”.
Page Topic: Best of Jerry Seinfeld
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Section: Funny Jokes by Stand Up Comedians