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The Best Jokes in the World
According to several comedians, as compiled by GQ magazine
Okay, so it’s impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput from several comedians, and first appeared in GQ magazine. These were selected as the funniest jokes in the world, the best jokes of all time, by these comedians.
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)
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65 Responses to “The Best Jokes in the World””
COMMENT (Not all comments are approved, including rude comments and those with strong language).
Section: Best Funny Jokes
February 2nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
those jokes were bloody brilliant, speccially the one with those Irish blokes.
May 1st, 2008 at 9:13 am
man these jokes are smashingly funny. keep’em coming.
May 12th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
wow,those are pretty dang funny. I enjoyed those a ton! Not as much as what happened to me last night. But still, those were absolutely phenominal, i know how that kid who lost his virginity feels, and thats what makes that joke so funny!
May 15th, 2008 at 2:31 am
hi these jks r so NOT funny
at least try 2 find sum good FUNNY jks!
kind regards Karen!
May 15th, 2008 at 2:31 am
i luv ed those jks!
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:35 am
rubbish
June 11th, 2008 at 10:56 am
knock knock
whos there?
docter
docter who?
hey you said my name!how did you knew that?
June 28th, 2008 at 12:06 am
I had a good giggle at them.
August 9th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
you rock
August 11th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
i thought those were funny! especially ellen degenrous’s
September 7th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
smashing! i enjoyed every piece! will use them often!
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:17 am
these suck
September 26th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Lol, the one about the animal crackers was funny.
October 14th, 2008 at 11:56 am
why is it hard to play cards in the jungle?
because theres too many cheaters!!!!!!!!!
December 16th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Lol, the irish one was a good un, that cracked me up :L
December 17th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Meh, the best of them got a smirk from me
December 28th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Man those aint even funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u guys need to getta life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December 28th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
there not funny
January 8th, 2009 at 11:56 am
What can travel around the world. but stays in one corner?
A stamp=] , Don’t get it? get off the drugs ‘-.-
January 15th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
CHEETAS DON’T LIVE IN THE JUNGLE!!!!! And those jokes were rubbish.
February 1st, 2009 at 6:41 pm
the snake one was pretty funny…Ellen’s was CRAP!!!
February 4th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
SO RIDICULOUS!!!
February 7th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
i did not get any of them!
February 23rd, 2009 at 5:09 am
wow…………
March 12th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
these are way funny i love the jungle one so who ever is saying there rubbish their wrong how do you keep a idiot waiting ILL TELL YOU LATER LOL i love them
March 25th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
not funny
April 20th, 2009 at 4:13 am
the only funny one was with the 2 campers that was good but the others were rubbish. i mean who came up with those terrible terrible jokes.Heres a good one.
3 Men Are standing in court after they were arrested at a lake.The judge asked the first man what he was doing and the man replied”i was throwing peanuts in the lake”.The judge says ok u didnt do anything wrong.The judge asks the second guy what he did wrong and the man replies”I was throwing peanuts in the lake as well”the judge just smiles and says u did nothing wrong either.The Judge asks the third guy if he was throwing peanuts in the lake as well and the man replies”No Mam i Am Peanuts”
April 20th, 2009 at 8:23 am
what is funny about these jokes?they are just 100% b sh*t i can even do better than them
April 24th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Not very humorous.There are still better jokes.
Apologies for writting the truth
Regards
Uma Maheswar Nakka
April 27th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
are there any humans out there or is it just you semi literate monkeys
April 28th, 2009 at 3:49 am
so funny
then he waddled bupbup til the very next day
May 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 am
really bad jokes
May 2nd, 2009 at 2:17 am
lol some where hilerous i went and told them to every1 lol but get some shorteer ones.
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:03 am
terrible they were meant to be BEST JOKES IN THE WORLD not WORST JOKES IN THE WORLD ive done jokes 200% better when I was 4 you need to try better
May 7th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
May 23rd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
hi
May 23rd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
you’re not bad
May 27th, 2009 at 2:48 am
Those jokes weren’t that funny….. jeeesh
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Not very funny. I thought the one with the two campers was alright coz it reminded me of something a friend of mine would say but they’re not that good to be honest.
August 19th, 2009 at 2:39 am
Those jokes were awful. the only good one was the 2 campers and i already heard that 1.
Here’s a long but good joke:
A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
September 16th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
hello i agree these jokes are lame go on the internet and find some.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:18 am
These jokes are the worst i have ever heard
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:38 am
I cant say i found them that great but comedy is completely individual and very bias of said person sense of humour im hell i could be german they never get jokes.
But that was just an example. Not a true fact.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:22 am
these r lame and old
September 26th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
very funny….NOT
September 29th, 2009 at 12:22 am
i got a funny joke
knock knock
whos there
the interupting cow
the inturupting….
moooo
October 7th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
stinks
October 19th, 2009 at 3:38 am
wow these jokes are good man….but you know what? you need some more that actually makes sense and not like and yeah and so on…u no wut i mean? yeah that’s cool
October 21st, 2009 at 7:05 pm
We have much better jokes in Lebanon about Abu Al Abed and Homssis of Damascus
October 27th, 2009 at 8:58 am
not funny 1 but
October 29th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
There was a new life gaurd working on the beach, he was doing great on his first day, but he only had one problem, he is terrified os sharks. So he asks one of the other workers on the beach if there was any sharks around here, and he says no they are all gone now. Releived he goes into the water and swims about twenty feet away from shore. Then he shouts to the worker and asks how did you get rid of all of them? The worker says we didn’t the aligator got em’.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Tell me Jordana comment 25
November 15th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Bad Jokes:
Q. Who can drive all their customers away, and still make money?
A. A taxi driver!
Q. The more you have, the less you see. What is it?
A. Darkness
Q. The more you take, the more you leave behind. What is it?
A. Footprints
November 21st, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Makes me cry these rae the best ones.. Whats wrong with u all
November 22nd, 2009 at 1:16 am
Whatever’s joke about the man and his new BMW was the funniest joke on here!! I actually laughed, and it was the only one I laughed at. Good job Whatever!!!!!!
December 14th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
how do u wake up Lady GaGa
you Poke Her Face
____ ____
December 17th, 2009 at 8:51 am
hey there were 3 funny 1’s
the alagater ate the sharks one, the bmw one, and the camper 1. I laughd at those
December 24th, 2009 at 5:59 am
they should be voted the worst jokes in the world
December 25th, 2009 at 12:13 am
fail
December 26th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
there are 2 muffins sat in an oven, one muffin says to the other “wow its hot in here” & the other muffin reply’s ” OMG A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ” if u dont like tht joke heres another………….
two bears just finished eating a clown one says to the other ‘did he taste funny to u???’
January 9th, 2010 at 6:34 am
NOT FUNNY AT ALL………(
January 18th, 2010 at 10:50 pm
I don’t understand the catholic at confession, can someone explain it please?
January 21st, 2010 at 1:55 pm
Lame Lame Lame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 21st, 2010 at 2:36 pm
Lovely jokes indeed
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.”Why?” asks the father.”The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2×3,’ ” I said “6″, replies TONY.”But that’s right !” says his dad.”Yeah, but then she asked me “How much is 3×2 ?”"What’s the damn stupid difference ?” asks the father.Tony-”That’s what I said !